on friday last week i had an appointment with my dentist. or atleast that’s what i thought, it turned out that it was on thursday. i got a new appointment for today at 10.30 and i was scared to death i wouldn’t wake up in time since i don’t have an alarm clock; consequently when i woke up at 6am i couldn’t go back to sleep. instead i opened up the books and started reading about the arabic charter on human rights.

i’m lost. i don’t understand anything. any thing. the arabic charter on human rights agrees to freedom of religion but also puts emphasis on the importance of cairo declaration on human rights in islam, that does not agree to freedom of religion. er, what? how is this possible? in all honesty it surprised me enormously when reading that the arabic league, funded by saudia arabia and sudan among others, supposedly sympathises with suggestions such as ‘condemnations of honour related violence as well as forced marriage’. AS FUCKING IF. i find this very confusing and have even emailed my human rights penpal on the subject. surely this can not be correct.

but then again, i suppose politicians always say what sounds best. president ahmadinejad claiming that he’s leading one of the world’s most democratic countries. ah yes, ofcourse! a country where people die if they try to speak their voice. it all makes sense.

since i moved from home at the age of 16 i have done exactly what i have wanted to. nothing has ever been able to stop me. ever! i’ve made sure to always get what i want and to always get it when i want it.

apparently, things have changed. for the first time in a very, very long time (years) i am longing. missing. i feel like an impatient kid waiting for christmas day, it’s insane! for the first time in a very, very long time (years) it’s impossible for me to get exactly what i want exactly when i want it.

i’m not sure i like it…

but i think i do.

love /lʌv/ [luhv]
noun - a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person
verb - to have a strong liking for; take great pleasure in

ob·ses·sion /əbˈsɛʃən/ [uhb-sesh-uhn]
the domination of one’s thoughts or feelings by a persistent idea, image, desire

pas·sion /ˈpæʃən/ [pash-uhn]
a powerful emotion, such as love, joy, hatred, or anger

sex /sɛks/ [seks]
genital contact, esp. the insertion of the penis into the vagina followed by orgasm; coitus; copulation

death /dɛθ/ [deth]
the act of dying; the end of life; the total and permanent cessation of all the vital functions of an organism

fear /fɪər/ [feer]
a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid

love/obsession/passion/sex/death/fear
life.

i don’t have the time to blog! there’s too much to read, too much to watch, too much to learn. i’m really stressed, there’s so much i want to know and it feels like i can’t read fast enough! saying this even though i know that i read unusually fast. it’s typical me; action, action, action! not even when i read a marian keyes book i’m able to slow down and just enjoy it. even if i do like whatever i’m reading i want to finish it as soon as possible to be able to read whatever’s next. i need to calm down, haha.

on friday i was meant to go to gothenburg but changed my mind and plans and got on the train to lund and agnes with caroline instead. we had dinner, a bottle of wine (each… haha) and the most wonderful time. i’ve been fairly asocial this summer and spent a lot of time just thinking and getting to know myself again. it has been very enjoyable, and above all very important, but it was really nice to have some quality time with the two girls i used to know but haven’t seen properly for years. agnes and caroline are both such inspiring young women and they made me realise how much i have been missing socialising with people who actually have got something smart and worthy to say. agnes is a law student who on the top of that ran for president at göteborg’s nation (a sorority-like organisation). caroline has just come home from two years in the states and has just started her studies at copenhagen business school. they reminded me what it is supposed to be like when being with friends; friends are NOT supposed to be jealous of each other, however they are supposed to be excited for you whenever you’ve got something going for you! oh how i have missed that. caroline said ‘honestly i’m so blessed to have such amazing friends, i look up to every single one of them and wish i was a bit more like them; they inspire me to become a better person’ and that’s exactly what it’s supposed to be like.

this summer i did not only finish one very important chapter of my life but two. i left london - something i won’t ever regret doing - and my best friend put an end to our 8 year long relationship. it drove me mad (literally, hello mental health a&e!) and my entire world crashed. i thought i’d cry until i’d die, but only did cry for three days. it doesn’t sound like a lot now, but to be crying almost constantly for three days was… jesus. it was fucking horrible! she said ’sandy one day you’ll realise you’ll have it so much better without me’ and i hated her for saying that, i’d given her my everything and then she left me - just like that. that’s what i thought, but ofcourse that’s not how it was.

it hasn’t been more than two months since that happened but i’m almost fully recovered by now. two months! that is not a very long time when looking back. i have realised that she (as most of times) was right; yes, i’ll have it better without her, just like she’ll have it so much better without me. we’d fallen into a very destructive pattern, never being happy for each other but always being jealous. we were using and abusing each other and that can never be a good thing. ever. we always used to compliment each other but all of a sudden we turned into the worst of frenemies, only ever being friends because we always had been.

agnes and caroline reminded me on friday how wonderful it can be with girlfriends. girlfriends that love, admire, and cherish one another. debating, not arguing. admiring, not envying. respecting, not despising.

it’s very important with friendships. almost as important as it is to know when to finish them.

when i find amazing books in swedish i find it truly frustrating that only swedes are able to read them